The Original Pitman

 

Well, it doesn't actually specify that Barnsley Bill works down the pit, but Barnsley was a big town for coal mining, along with other industries. 

The lyrics:

[Intro]

He's not the man from Mars, he's not Johnny B. Goode

He's not Johnny Reggae, he's not Captain Kirk

He's not Jilted John, he's not Flash Gordon

He's not Major Tom

[Verse 1]

But Barnsley Bill

Hip-hip-hip, rapping hop

Don't you dare stop, 'til you reach the top

All you girls need a lad like me, to take you where you want to be

'Cause I'm Barnsley Bill, King o' t' Dales

And when I rap, I never fail

Hull in east and Leeds in west

Everyone will tell thee I'm the best

[Chorus]

Tripe, tripe, tripe an' chips

If you're wearing cap, you know it fits

Tripe, tripe, tripe an' chips

If you're wearing cap, you know it fits

Rap the pub down, rock the pub up

Shake your fat down, rap the pub down

Sup your ale up, rap the pub down

Do your blouse up, rap the pub down

[Verse 2]

I met Wakefield Sue, in the snow

She beat me at the darts but she couldn't do the rap

I said "Hey there Sue, let's not dance, we can go back to my place, give your legs a chance"

She said, "Ee, my legs are made for walking"

Ee my mouth is made for talking

I'm Barnsley Bill, I'm quick on the quip

And I talk the legs off, a train with pip

'Cause now ain't the age of the train

'Cause now ain't the age of the plane

'Cause this is the hour of the mouth

From York in north, to Derby in south

Rap the club down, rock the club up

Shake the dales down, rap the sheep up

Rap the club down, sup your ale up

Do your blouse up, take your kegs down

[I assume this ought to be transcribed as "take your kecks down"]

[Verse 3]

There was Doreen who lives in the Dales

She wears her shoes and likes to save whales

She asked me back for some ginseng tea

I said, "What do you want, wi' a lad like me?"

She said, "Ooh Bill, just you and me, we'll have a whale of a time, and I'll say this"

I said, "Doreen, you're a heck of the lass, but me mastermind says I ought to pass"

Because Barnsley Bill, ain't esoteric

I don't know what that means, ask me mate, Derek

He went to Bradford University, to study sociology

He takes his girl to see Maria Callas

I'd rather sit and watch, Dallas

Or rap up Mic at the local club

It beats the shimmy and the shake and the shove

He's fine, he's grand, he's fab, he's good

But I can rap the club like you wish you could!

All you boys and girls out there

Do you know how to reach off the air?

Do you know how to twist?

Do you know how to jump?

Do you know how to wiggle?

Do you know how to bump?

Do you know how to enjoy the slump

If you wave your hands in the air, and wrap your legs around the door

If you leap up and down and shake your feet

If you kiss your father on the cheek

If you kick your legs out slow and fast

I'll promise you you'll look reet daft

And you're liable to pull a muscle an' all

[Chorus]

[Outro]

I'm Judge Disco my law is word

This is the worst rap I've ever heard

You've been driving drunk in stolen cars

I sentence you to life on Mars

Tripe, tripe, tripe an' chips

If you're wearing cap, you know it fits

Tripe, tripe, tripe an' chips

If you're wearing cap, you know it fits

Tripe, tripe, tripe an' chips

From smile on your face to curve on your hips

Tripe, tripe, tripe an' chips

^^^^^^^^^

A touch of the Les Dawson in this label logo for Mother-in-Law Records

Well, apparently, the man behind Barnsley Bill was Horace Panter, from the Specials: 

"During the time after 'Ghost Town' when band members were taking a break (read: breaking up), Panter recorded the song on a lark at a cost of just £300! And rumor has it that the one and only Dick Cuthell laid down that unmistakable horn line."

Doesn't seem like Horace did the rapping, though - that was done by a fellow called Rob Allen, with vocals from "Wakefield Sue" (his girlfriend). Horace is the producer "Ronnie Bossanova"

There was actually a follow-up single - "Wedding Rap" bw "Freewheeling Rap"

The lyrics:

I'm Barnsley Bill and I just don't care

I can rap you out of your underwear

I've had 20 pints and I'm friggin' drunk

So let's get down some Barnsley funk

The pinball pillock, have you seen?

He's traded in his pinball machine

He's out of tilts and into phases

'Cause now he's playing Space Invaders

So it's one for the curry, six for the road

Suck your ale up, drop your load

He can fold a newspaper

He's a star, he's the best man of the universe

All my life I've been waiting and watching

Talking and drinking

And Doreen said "How did you carry?"

And I realized, that it weren't angrier

And I were waiting for her

And turned towards her and I popped the question, are they real?

What do you think?

I don't think, I drink, therefore I'm drunk

I replied "Take a look at these hands, and let the days go by, and keep the Tetley's flowing"

So it's one for the curry, six for the road

Suck your ale up, drop your load

I met a girl who drove a truck

She had a CB like The Rubber Duck

She was out on a convoy on M62

She had the biggest rig this side of crew

I was listening to [?]

And she said her uncle was [?]

I knew there was some life left in me

So I said 10-4, [?] for me

Breaker, breaker, this is Barnsley Bill

Anybody out there, 10-4?

Breaker, breaker, this is Barnsley Bill

Barnsley me's name, something's my game, it over?

Ah, just a minute, it's not plugged in

We stopped for motor washin' at the service stop

Janet, Richard, meets the lot

Bill she said, "I cannot tarry

I will rendezvous with Birmingham Barry"

I said ye live in [?] could support thee

But me Yorkie's melting, so off I'll be

He can drive 70,000 miles a year

He's a star, he's the best man in the universe

He knows all the words to Copacabana with his eyes shut

He's a star, he's the best man in the universe

He can eat three Weetabix

When King Kong came to see him, he ran

He's a star, he's the best man in the universe

He was born one of triplets

He's a star, he's the best man in the universe

He can run out of ideas

I'm a star, I'm the best man in the universe

I'm a sta- Well, I might be

Very faintly amusing. I'm surprised Panter didn't make a better job of the music, though. 

Whereas Pitman - the tracks are genuinely exciting, and the rapping actually works, finding a flow that is totally East Midlands and totally B-boy